The Captain Obvious Study of the Year!!

Have you ever really wondered about where all that increased college tuition money goes; or maybe what that tax-payer funded grant money is used for in the World of Academia? Well let me shed some light on the subject for you.

Billions of dollars are spent each year on studies, surveys and research all in the name of making America and the world a more healthy, friendly and civilized place to live. But are all of these surveys really necessary? Let’s check one out.

This week the results of a 20 year Harvard study were released to the public showing which foods pose a greater risk for causing obesity. Now bear in mind this study took 20 years so please do not laugh at the results.

Overall the results showed that people who ate more potato chips, red meat, sweets, and drank sugary sodas gained more weight over those 20 years than those who ate more fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts, and drank water…..REALLY?

And when I say REALLY I mean it not because I am surprised by these results, but because I’m not sure we really needed a 20 year study to come up with these results. Think about it, for 20 years someone got paid to conduct this study. AMAZING!!

So, in the quest for a more civilized humanity I am offering my services to the public for free on some other issues I find are simple to understand, but might require a “study” for academics to figure out.

1. People who drink alcohol are more likely to get drunk than those who drink water. I promise you it’s the truth!

2. People who smoke are more prone to throat and lung cancer than those who don’t smoke at all.

3. People who chop broccoli for a living are more prone to lose a finger than those who don’t chop broccoli for a living. I swear, I am not making this up!

4. Beekeepers are more prone to be stung by a bee than those who do not keep bees.

Well, I could go on for a while but I would probably be in line for a lawsuit having exposed the results of some Scholar’s lifelong study. I hope I haven’t, I would hate to think somewhere out there was a hardworking researcher out of a job because I exposed the concept that short people find it harder to see on top of the refrigerator than tall people do (oops, sorry about that).

Anyway, as always I am just trying to bring a little common sense into the world. I Hope this helped y’all.

Now where’d I put my Potato Chips?
Bill

TSA Gone Amuck – Part 1

I began this blog several years ago in an attempt to enlighten folks as to the proper use of common sense. Well I think it is time I got back to it. As many of you know, I have sworn off flying. Not because of the safety in the air issue, but because of the security on the ground issue. After more than 2,400 hours in naval aircraft I can assure you flying is still one of the safest modes of travel there is; however, I still refuse to fly in a commercial airliner….unless my wife forces me.....um, er, I mean insists that I do.

Here is one example of why I refuse to fly. A few weeks ago, a family heading to Disney World was taking their turn through the TSA fondling and privacy invasion center in the Detroit Metro Airport. During this dazzling procedure, those geniuses decided that a 29 year old mentally retarded man posed a serious risk and needed an intense pat down. The 29 year old man has the mental capacity of a 2 year old and when asked to step to the line he did not understand what to do. When they asked him questions about his travel itinerary he could not answer them. Thinking the man to be uncooperative the agents felt he was a security risk and needed a special screening.

At this point they noticed the padding under his pants and felt this man to be a serious security risk. When the man’s father spoke up in an attempt to explain the situation, the valiant TSA agent stepped forward and told the father, “Please, Sir, We know what we are doing.” With this the TSA agents began their investigation of the scared man and his padding only to find an adult diaper “hidden” in his pants. At this point, with egg on their face, the over-righteous TSA officers decided to check the man for contraband at which time they found a hammer in his possession!

That’s right; this mentally challenged man had a hammer…of the six-inch, hollow, plastic, toy variety – Oh Thank God!!! When the father then tried to explain that the toy was his son’s security blanket and not going to cause any harm, the genius in the TSA uniform hit it on the wall and told the father, “See, it’s hard, it could be used as a weapon.” During this time the man became upset at having his dangerous TOY taken by the TSA.

Yes sir you heard me right; The TSA agent confiscated the toy hammer. Then the TSA agents told the parents that if they wanted to have it sent to Orlando they could arrange shipping; however, with the lightning quick speed that the TSA works, there was no time to ship it so they had to leave it with the agents who disposed of it.

Thankfully, the boys Mom (surely trained by the CIA, Mossad, or the KGB) used the craftiness of James Bond to smuggle a second toy hammer onboard by placing it…..in her purse!!! Mercifully the man’s was reunited with what at the very least was a replacement for the long-held security toy he had been so unfeelingly separated from.

Later TSA officials apologized for their agents handling of the situation and called it a onetime incident – REALLY? I did a short search on Google and came up with several others but I will wait to write about those later, I think they deserve their own time in the spotlight.

All of this sounds amazing, right? No!

This sort of incident is more common than you think and comes from a lack of common sense that permeates our society and it is up to us all to combat it at every level. I mean if there is any doubt that these people need help all one needs to do is check out the people of Wal-Mart website. How you help is up to you. I write this blog and make snide comments in the hopes that via these comments they’ll “get it.”

But while these people work for the TSA, I will not be patronizing the air transportation industry anytime soon…..Well, unless my wife tells me to.

Until next time…..
Bill